Thursday, April 11, 2013

"The Nothing" is receeding!

I had no idea it was happening until it was too late. It's even taken a kids movie to realise what had become of me. "The Nothing" was taking away all the richness from my life. Everything had gone from full colour to an out of focus sepia, the edges of my experiences were blurred along with my thoughts.

My emotions were numbed, which has helped me cope but now it's crippling. "The Nothing", in the movie, is fed my people refusing to dream. When you don't imagine, feel and dream the magical world of imagination disappears. For me, even the bad emotions were dulled, which is what anti depressants are supposed to do I suppose, but I do think emotions are present for a reason. Now that my medication is steadily reducing, the colour is returning to my life. It's like going from Kansas to Oz!

With this new found colour, clarity and focus I'm realising how much of myself I lost when on Effexor. I stopped caring about so much! The house was messy, I didn't cook, the yard was a mess - everything around me reflected "The Nothing" in my head.

Now I'm up early, making beds, holding my kids, getting stuff DONE. Now I care how my house looks and how I feel.  Now I can cry and feel better. I feel gut wrenching pain when I think of Ellie but it feels GOOD at the same time. It feels like the pain I feel is now reflecting the situation accurately and I'm doing her justice by grieving her properly.

A more informative update - I'm down to less than half my original dose with no withdrawal yet!

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