I want to look on the outside how I feel on the inside. Dreads are a tangled mess, trying to find some order and form. They are chaotic, but the longer you have them, the more uniform they become. They mature with time and patience. Nothing can hurry the process.
It also signifies the transformation I have gone through. I'm often heard repeating that emotional maturity comes from doing things you really don't want to do. Believe me, I really really didn't want to go through what I did. I'm coming out of it more emotionally mature and equipped to deal with almost anything.
Now I feel like singing "I am woman, hear me roar!", but I will refrain for the sake of the children nearby.
Another factor in my decision to get dreadlocks is showing disregard for social ideas of beauty and vanity. Every time I go to the hairdressers (not that often to be honest!) I would have to sit facing a mirror, in harsh light, with a cape on, looking at myself. There would be a woman with makeup, acrylic nails, dyed and styled hair, high heels, fake tan, whitened teeth and perfume telling me how damaged my hair is and how I NEED an armful of products just to pass as a normal person.
I'd come out feeling like I was so far away from this cookie cutter image of how we're supposed to be and it was impossible to change myself to fit.
As a teenager, I spent a considerable amount of time in the Eating Disorders unit at Princess Margaret hospital - and I put it down to failing to fit the standard that is all around me. Every time I ate, I felt I failed in my persuit to finally have what everyone else seemed to have. Every time I enjoyed myself I felt guilt, like I wasn't worthy of happyness because I first should fit in, then find happiness. Why should someone as ugly and different as me be allowed to be happy?
But now I'm realising, all this time I have had a gift - my gift is that I am different and I don't want to fit in to the norm. I FINALLY don't care. I have finally given myself permission to enjoy life as I am and love myself because I am awesome :D
It's time to show myself some love and TLC and do something purely for me. I can't wait to get my locks and show the world who I am.