I feel like I have been just floating along through the rapids, passively alowing the water to bash me against the rocks, spin me around and pull me under. There is no use in fighting when the force is so much stronger than me and I'm ill equipt to even keep my head about water.
In a calm patch, I float on my back, weak and still. It gives me time to reflect on what's happened and who I am. I have learned to make use of these calm times to asses what is important to me and what I want in life. I'm so much calmer and more confident in myself, all because of these serene breaks from the chaos.
But finally I have been able to take a breath, plant my feet firmly and stand up.
Of course the water still beats on the back of my legs, and sometimes it's hard to stand but I'm making a stand against this overwhelming situation. It's going to be a long while before I'm strong enough to make a step, but I'll stay standing.
What has given me strengh to stand and fight? The decision to mark this event and at the same time look after myself. I'm caring for myself as I would a good friend and I'm also forever marking this significant event. I'm going to get dreadlocks!
It may sound silly and insignificant, but those who truly know me will undertstand withouth explaination. Lots of people want a transformation after a crisis. In many cultures, long hair is cut off after a tragedy. I remember my sister, training to be a hairdresser, talking to me very upset after a woman came into her salon asking that her long hair be shaved off after the death of her child. It's a way to outwardly show how you feel inside.
Dreadlocks have always apealed to me, but I felt too childish and young to pull them off. I feel you have to have gone through something, or have very strong convicitions - you earn your dreads!
Once they are done I'll have a physical marker of this time, and the longer they grow, the further from the chaos I'll be.