Monday, January 21, 2013

Think Like a Tree

Think Like a Tree 

Think Like a Tree
Soak up the sun
Affirm life's magic
Be graceful in the wind
Stand tall after a storm
Feel refreshed after it rains
Grow strong without notice
Be prepared for each season
Provide shelter to strangers
Hang tough through a cold spell
Emerge renewed at the first signs of spring
Stay deeply rooted while reaching for the sky
Be still long enough to
hear your own leaves rustling.

Karen R Shragg




The line between emotional pain and physical pain is a blurry one. Since I found out Ellie died, I have had such a hard time distinguishing between real physical pain and just overwhelming desperation and emotional pain. Emotions can be cruel and so, so physical. Desperation, anxiety, yearning and emptyness are such physical emotions and I'm sick of feeling them all. 

Desperation is the hardest. At least daily I have that pain all parents know. You know that feeling when you hear a thud then your child cries and you can't get to them fast enough? Your heart races, you want to hold your child so hard they melt into you. You don't want any distance between you and your child. This is how I feel whenever I think of Ellie. She's out of my reach and all I want to do is hold her and squeeze her and tell her it's all going to be OK. I have to keep telling myself that she's gone and doesn't EXIST anymore - otherwise the pain is too much. The idea of my baby out there somewhere, without my is so intolerable. 

My favourite song at the moment says a lot about how I feel:

Cry
"If anyone asks, I'll tell them we both just moved on  
When people all stare I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk  
Whenever I see you, I'll swallow my pride and bite my tongue  
Pretend I'm okay with it all Act like there's nothing wrong 
 
Is it over yet?  
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?  
Is this what it feels like to really cry? 
Cry
If anyone asks, I'll tell them we just grew apart  
Yeah what do I care If they believe me or not   
Whenever I feel Your memory is breaking my heart I'll pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong
Is it over yet?  
Can I open my eyes? 
Is this as hard as it gets?  
Is this what it feels like to really cry?  
Cry 

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