Monday, December 17, 2012

One Month On

I don't understand why I'm feeling worse every day. Of course the initial shock was terrible, and I cried a lot, but now that I have given birth, done the goodbyes, checked off many of the 'firsts', and the chaos is fading all I'm left with is emptyness, dissapointment and desperation.

People tell me I have two awesome kids already, and to enjoy them. I love them intensely, and do enjoy them but at the moment I'm scared! I'm scared I will loose them too, I'm scared they will get hurt or lost or scared. I'm scared of all the things I can't protect them from. Because I'm not immune to all those bad things that happen in the world!

They seem so fragile and my imagination is so overactive now, my brain is yet again torturing me! If it's not phantom cries, it's bad dreams or imaginings. I'm trying my best to not be overprotective and keep these feelings inside so that I don't become one of 'those' mums.

I just fear for everyone who means anything in my life. I hate this realisation that bad things do happen, and they could happen to me.

I also find it hard that many people have expectations on how I should feel/behave and I don't match up with that. There doesn't seem a 'right' way to do this, and I'll never match up with people's ideas of grief. Some may feel I'm not outwardly sad enough, because they haven't seen me cry, others may think I'm dwelling on Ellie's death. To be honest, I'm far too empty to cry. I'm not particularly sad - I'm empty. I wish I could cry more because then I'd be feeling something more than emptyness and numbness. I'm even searching for songs that will help me to FEEL. So far it's not working.

People keep asking how I am - the honest answer is "Empty and anxious"


Jess H said...

It's so easy to get caught up in how people "should" feel. The fact is that no one has the exact same experience and emotions, and it's selfish and a little clueless for people to suggest that you feel "this" way, or things like that.

Feeling empty is ok. Feeling sad and lost is ok too. We don't always have to feel "something". You grieve as long as you need to, and you have plenty of family for support and love.

Plingie said...

I don't mean to say people are wrong for having expectations of me - this is all new to everyone and they are grieving too. It's more that I'm looking for answers and guidance on what's normal or not and I'm learning that there is no 'norm'

Unknown said...

You don't have two awesome kids Erin, you have three. Just because one isn't with you in body, she is right there in all your hearts. Always.