I don't understand why I'm feeling worse every day. Of course the initial shock was terrible, and I cried a lot, but now that I have given birth, done the goodbyes, checked off many of the 'firsts', and the chaos is fading all I'm left with is emptyness, dissapointment and desperation.
People tell me I have two awesome kids already, and to enjoy them. I love them intensely, and do enjoy them but at the moment I'm scared! I'm scared I will loose them too, I'm scared they will get hurt or lost or scared. I'm scared of all the things I can't protect them from. Because I'm not immune to all those bad things that happen in the world!
They seem so fragile and my imagination is so overactive now, my brain is yet again torturing me! If it's not phantom cries, it's bad dreams or imaginings. I'm trying my best to not be overprotective and keep these feelings inside so that I don't become one of 'those' mums.
I just fear for everyone who means anything in my life. I hate this realisation that bad things do happen, and they could happen to me.
I also find it hard that many people have expectations on how I should feel/behave and I don't match up with that. There doesn't seem a 'right' way to do this, and I'll never match up with people's ideas of grief. Some may feel I'm not outwardly sad enough, because they haven't seen me cry, others may think I'm dwelling on Ellie's death. To be honest, I'm far too empty to cry. I'm not particularly sad - I'm empty. I wish I could cry more because then I'd be feeling something more than emptyness and numbness. I'm even searching for songs that will help me to FEEL. So far it's not working.
People keep asking how I am - the honest answer is "Empty and anxious"