Tuesday, December 11, 2012
How are you?
This questions has taken on a whole new meaning since Ellie was born. It's loaded with subtext like "are you coping?", "how can anyone cope?", "I feel for you and hope you're OK". I get looked at with pained expressions. I know that even my presence causes pain because the idea of stillbirth causes pain and I'm a reminder of that. I love that my friends and family can put this pain aside to support me. I know it affects them, they are hurting too - they are now scared for their families, life is less certain now. It's almost like when people ask "how are you?" they are asking "how am I?". I have noticed if I appear to be doing fine, most people around me are fine too. When I feel down, so does everyone else. How am I supposed to answer? If I just say "I'm fine" I get a long pause and a look stat says "really?" and am forced to elaborate. Being honest is too long winded and involved and saying I'm fine isn't true. The honest answer is that I have no idea how I'm doing. I'm unmotivated, tired, emotional, grumpy, did I mention tired and unmotivated? Maybe the best answer is simply "exhausted"