Monday, October 14, 2013

Thursday, April 11, 2013

"The Nothing" is receeding!

I had no idea it was happening until it was too late. It's even taken a kids movie to realise what had become of me. "The Nothing" was taking away all the richness from my life. Everything had gone from full colour to an out of focus sepia, the edges of my experiences were blurred along with my thoughts.

My emotions were numbed, which has helped me cope but now it's crippling. "The Nothing", in the movie, is fed my people refusing to dream. When you don't imagine, feel and dream the magical world of imagination disappears. For me, even the bad emotions were dulled, which is what anti depressants are supposed to do I suppose, but I do think emotions are present for a reason. Now that my medication is steadily reducing, the colour is returning to my life. It's like going from Kansas to Oz!

With this new found colour, clarity and focus I'm realising how much of myself I lost when on Effexor. I stopped caring about so much! The house was messy, I didn't cook, the yard was a mess - everything around me reflected "The Nothing" in my head.

Now I'm up early, making beds, holding my kids, getting stuff DONE. Now I care how my house looks and how I feel.  Now I can cry and feel better. I feel gut wrenching pain when I think of Ellie but it feels GOOD at the same time. It feels like the pain I feel is now reflecting the situation accurately and I'm doing her justice by grieving her properly.

A more informative update - I'm down to less than half my original dose with no withdrawal yet!

Sunday, March 17, 2013


Just taking a moment to write while Lachie is occupied by putting spit on the windows and sticking stuff to it....

I want to talk about drug addiction. This isn't just something that happens in the backs of alleys with dirty needles and homeless people. Drug addiction isn't having no lightbulbs because you're using them to smoke 'P'. It's not having your kids taken off you and loosing your job.

Drug addiction can mean living life like everyone else. Coping, living and moving forward but just constantly chained to what you can't go without. This may seem dramatic, because I'm not talking about heroin, 'P' or cocaine... it's even legal!

I wish I'd never started taking Venlafaxine (or "Effexor" on the telly). Yes I was depressed and anxious but what can you say I have gained when all I feel is numb? I have been on these pills for a couple of years now - with gradual increases over time so now I'm on a mammoth 300mg per day. Two granule filled pills that rule my life. If I forget to take them I'm in withdrawal hell. Splitting headache, churning stomach, insane irritability. No depressive symptoms - just physical withdrawal symptoms.

I have tried to stop previously, by taking my normal dose every second day instead of every day. That didn't go well - it just meant withdrawal every second day, then back to normal.

I think the key is gradual reduction. So gradual my body wont cotton on what I'm doing to it.

"YOU CAN'T GO OFF YOUR MEDS AT A TIME LIKE THIS!" I hear you scream - but I feel a desperate need to cry and grieve. I have cried, yes - but I feel like I'm more like an empty vessel and I need to be filled with the good and the bad. At the moment the good times are muddled in with the bad and it all comes out with a distinctive feeling of 'blah'.

I need to feel.

So I opened up my wee capsules and tipped out a tiny amount of the granules. I did this to all my pills. My Dr suggested the every second day route, but then did agree when I said I need to go slower. It's been a few days now and I'm not noticing much which is the best outcome yet!

I feel like such a proper drug addict though - I went on to "Trade Me" and bought tiny digital scales that can measure tiny quantities. Perfect for measuring out drugs for sale, but conveniently also good for me to weight out small doses of my wee granules to make sure my gradual weaning goes smoothly.

SO if you're in the market for tiny scales to help with your drug selling business, hit me up in a few weeks - hopefully I wont need them any more!

Saturday, March 9, 2013


For the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel PRETTY!

Friday, March 1, 2013

Why Locks?

I want to look on the outside how I feel on the inside. Dreads are a tangled mess, trying to find some order and form. They are chaotic, but the longer you have them, the more uniform they become. They mature with time and patience. Nothing can hurry the process.

It also signifies the transformation I have gone through. I'm often heard repeating that emotional maturity comes from doing things you really don't want to do. Believe me, I really really didn't want to go through what I did. I'm coming out of it more emotionally mature and equipped to deal with almost anything.

Now I feel like singing "I am woman, hear me roar!", but I will refrain for the sake of the children nearby.

Another factor in my decision to get dreadlocks is showing disregard for social ideas of beauty and vanity. Every time I go to the hairdressers (not that often to be honest!) I would have to sit facing a mirror, in harsh light, with a cape on, looking at myself. There would be a woman with makeup, acrylic nails, dyed and styled hair, high heels, fake tan, whitened teeth and perfume telling me how damaged my hair is and how I NEED an armful of products just to pass as a normal person.

I'd come out feeling like I was so far away from this cookie cutter image of how we're supposed to be and it was impossible to change myself to fit.

As a teenager, I spent a considerable amount of time in the Eating Disorders unit at Princess Margaret hospital - and I put it down to failing to fit the standard that is all around me. Every time I ate, I felt I failed in my persuit to finally have what everyone else seemed to have. Every time I enjoyed myself I felt guilt, like I wasn't worthy of happyness because I first should fit in, then find happiness. Why should someone as ugly and different as me be allowed to be happy?

But now I'm realising, all this time I have had a gift - my gift is that I am different and I don't want to fit in to the norm. I FINALLY don't care. I have finally given myself permission to enjoy life as I am and love myself because I am awesome :D

It's time to show myself some love and TLC and do something purely for me. I can't wait to get my locks and show the world who I am.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

The Journey to Dreadlocks

So after making the decision to get dreads - I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders! I can do something that will always remind me of Ellie, it's always there and they only improve with time.

In the future I can look at my dreads and see a physical representation of how far I have come in my journey and know that it's because of her. I only wish I had it done while I was in hospital, waiting for her arrival.

 Ballpark figure is $300-400! This on top of the financial strain we're already under (ie even though we'd already bought gear for Ellie and clothes etc, you don't get paid parental leave or Parental Tax Credit) I have started saving ($85!) and I'm looking for some casual work.

Also, after several people suggested it, I have reluctantly set up a "Give a Little" page. I don't expect people to donate, but I thought I may as well - every little bit helps.